I expect to be lonely when I am alone. Being married has different expectations - not being lonely, having sex at least once in a while, companionship, love.

He's hurt when I say I have no expectations of him. I expect nothing. It's the only way to protect myself. Because if I expect, if I want, I will always be disappointed. I am constantly disappointed.

This is a man who speaks tortuously slowly, trying to appear concerned for verbal precision. And yet, he is constantly flumoxed by other's inability to understand him. "Am I not speaking English?" he asks, sarcastically. It is always everyone else's fault when they do not understand what he meant to say, what he thought he said, what he felt his hands - doing the speaking for him - so clearly mimed.

I am so lonely. in this marriage, in this house, in this relationship. Living by myself, with a cat, would be light years homier, comfier, more loving.

What will knock me off my ass and out the fucking door?

It's sad that the only thing he can think to do, when bored and faced with nothing to do at home, is go to a bar and hang out.

What am I doing with this schlump?

I want either love in my life, or to be alone where there is no expectation and no disappointment when that expectation is dashed.

I hate most about myself, that I think, plan, wish, and never make anything happen. The last thing I made happen was 3 years ago and glorious. And I've been sitting still, in one icky spot ever since.

OF HERE

Sometimes I appear, I act, I seem to be pretty good. I know my business, I have experience. And lots of the time, I seem to be an idiot. Is it that I'm too impatient, I go too fast and am not thorough enough? I feel like they want output and I need to produce - the clients are all so impatient and seem to think they are the only person we have in front of us, their work is the only thing we're working on. So I go fast.

People have always told me that I'm human and humans/people make mistakes. But I seem to be a moron, a constant, mistake making machine.

And I'm a fumbly talker, so I sound like I'm making excuses. And I hate it when other people make excuses and try to bullshit their way thru. And I hear myself sounding like that.

There is so much I hate about myself. So much about me that is very disappointing. I'm so ready to not have to do this anymore. All of it. Any of it.

"not to minimize our plans, but..."

you asked me about lunch. i would have found my own - taken care of myself just fine. but, i'm off today and home, so you asked and i accepted. then, you get a call from work or a friend or anybody/anything else, and i'm shunted aside.

and all you hear is that i'm busting your balls and you should tell him you can't take the work or you need to check with me every time he offers work. no, all i said is you tell him it might be half an hour later than he's saying, because you have plans for a lunch you never get to take with your wife because she usually works every day, all day. it's something special, and you'll be there just as soon as we're done. not squish or minimize our plans to fit his, but his to fit ours. why is that impossible to understand?

that's exactly how i feel - always. minimized. i'm what has to change to be convenient to you. i am the last important, the least important.